Suffocate

This morning I feel suffocate. For the last 5 days, I already feel like I am burnout. I don’t know how to slow down. Treating burnout is not about taking vacation, watching movies, and all that. I need to treat the mixed powerlessness feeling. I need to know why I feel exhausted psychologically.

I was crying for 5 minutes. Cried out myself. I don’t know why; it feels hurt but I don’t know where. I know my body and I can feel that in June, I want to hide in. But I don’t want to hide or isolate myself without a treatment or a plan to unpack my whirlwind mind. The person that my friend introduced seem busy and maybe because we don’t know each other, she seems distant to me.

Aku merasa pekerjaan dan tanggung jawabku ikut berkontribusi terhadap kondisi burnout yang aku hadapi. I want and need a job, not just for the salary but I need to keep working and thinking. I like and love to work. I don’t like if my work become the source of my uneasiness to be present. I don’t like to keep thinking, “Oh, my contract is until November this year. So, it less than 3 months to go.”

I traced my burnout trail. With new responsibilities, I feel the need to add speed and be more organized. However, it’s work on practice. I pressured myself to do this and that to meet the objective. I forced myself to do as many meetings as possible. Each meeting has its own follow up process.

It’s not about giving up to the pressure. It’s about having to fight in the comfortable zone. It’s about stacking follow ups which you cannot hold. I am taking 4 hours personal leave today. I will start working at 1 pm. I will take one day leave next week. I am planning take matters lightly, if possible. I need to take myself accountable for my health.