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Less apologetic
Yesterday I met someone who I knew in 2013-2014. She forgot me because at the time I was wearing hijab. She recognized me when we met last night. Then she asked, why I took it off. I didn’t give any answer, then she jokingly said, “Have you come to your sense?” It’s a common joke and doesn’t mean to offend. Of course, there is pretext that some feminists still see hijab as restriction to women’s expression and sexuality. I used to see it that way too. As I think about it this morning, wearing hijab is my journey to be acceptable of my sexuality. That is why I don’t have…
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Hujan lagi
Hari ini, Bogor hujan. Terakhir kali hujan seingatku pada saat unggahan tulisan terakhir. Berhubung kemarin aku kecewa karena hujan yang terjadi merupakan hasil rekayasa cuaca, kali ini aku tidak ingin senang dulu. Hujan turun sekitar 2 jam tapi tidak deras. Cukuplah membasahi tanah yang masih tersisa dan aspal yang kepanasan. Aku berharap memasuki September, hujan akan lebih sering turun. Turunnya hujan berpengaruh ke mood dalam bekerja. Salah satunya karena cuaca ikut berpengaruh ke kondisi kesehatan dan suasana di rumah atau kantor. Hujan kadang bikin takut kalau disertai dengan angin kencang. Entah ya, manusia itu takut air hujan. Jadi kalau hanya hujan dan kita terlindungi dengan jas hujan atau payung, kita…
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Tidur lelap
Pada kunjungan ke Malang terakhir, aku menyadari kalau aku tidur lebih lelap ketika berada di Pandaan. Jauh lebih nyenyak dibanding tidur di Suropati, kosan, atau di tempat lain. Mungkin karena di Pandaan aku tidur bersama ibu. Meskipun hawa di Pandaan panas dan kebanyakan barang tapi terasa rumah banget. Tidak hanya dari suasana tapi juga makanannya sederhana. Aku mengikuti jadwal tidur ibu jam 9 malam dan bangun di jam 5. Kadang aku bangun jam 6 saking lelapnya. Nyaman banget kasur ibu. Aku juga senang karena ibu sudah membereskan beberapa pakaian tidak dipakai dan diberikan ke tetangga atau saudara. Tetap masih banyak barang dan pakaian tetapi perlahan berkurang. Aku juga melakukan hal…
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Words to think about
A therapist told this to her/his/they patients. Stop assuming that people are mad at you.Stop attempting to read people’s minds.Stop trying to manage the thoughts and emotions of others.Let people be in charge of themselves.If they have something to say to you, they will.And if they don’t, it’s their responsibility, not yours. Then someone sent this to me. The thing about building or having something you love (any kind: person, organization, craft, etc), is that it comes with a looming fear of losing or messing it up one day. There’s a very real upside of having nothing to lose, or being on your lowest-doing the bare minimum and yet feeling…
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No need
I don’t need another pair of shoesI don’t need another pair of sandalsI don’t need another advocacy t-shirtsBut I want them and people give them to me I don’t need another clear foldersI don’t need another pensI don’t need another tumblersBut they are keep coming at me I don’t need another bagsI don’t need another cell phonesI don’t need another yoga matsBut I want them And they are very cheap I don’t need another plushiesI don’t need another stickersI don’t need another earingsBut they are so cute Irresistible to not buy I don’t need another lipstickI don’t need another skincare productsI don’t need another powderBut I want to look insanely…
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your story
You don’t need to compare your life to mineIt will be painful to try to match to somethingThat you don’t have any control of We all have our own “achievements”Maybe the term is too big; it’s scaryYou can call it “pleasant things” It can be a moment where you don’tTry too hardAware too muchAlert too highAfraid to askFeel too anxiousHurt so deep You don’t need to be anyone you wish forBecause you may not like your past versionWho made the wish Human is not fairHumanity may be rarePeople’s expectation is absurd It is not a shame to surviveWe may never pass that phase Never compare your story to othersWe build…
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The Troubled Water
The night before JS started the e-module workshop, F-Indonesia members, including myself, gather in one bedroom. The “danger” of cramped 6 women in one cottage is they probably will not be sleeping. We haven’t seen each other for a while. So, when we meet, we share what have been bothering our heart-mind-body. At first, I tried to avoid the gathering. But the night getting late and the “meeting” didn’t seem to end soon enough. So, I joined them. I will not get into the details but share the underline issues. As a safe space, we put our values and realities side by side. Sisterhood is real and like sisters…
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Loose
It’s easy to become loose and lost contact with your emotions when you’re busy with something that you considered important. It’s difficult to be lost but not knowing that you’re lost. You kind of feel it but not knowing it for certain. It’s a failure but I am not fail to become human. Our journey is what made us today. I love the fact that I am aware faster when I am lost. I also keep it calm; am not panic. I know I am going somewhere. My journey sometimes doesn’t take me where I want to. Not directly. My journey is not a straight line, but not too steep…
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Thrifting
Aku mau bercerita tentang thrifting. Aku mulai melakukan thrifting ketika tinggal di Jogja tahun 2017. Istilah di sana awul-awul karena calon pembeli harus meng”awul-awul” atau mengacak-acak baju bekas untuk mencari pakaian yang cocok dan masih bagus. Harga per potong murah, 10-20 ribu. Untuk jaket yang masih bagus bisa 30 ribu. Usaha ini sempat meredup. Kemudian sekitar 2021 populer lagi sampai di tahun 2022 media dan publik membahas tentang Peraturan Menteri Perdagangan (Permendag) Nomor 40 Tahun 2022 tentang pelarangan jual-beli pakaian bekas impor. Aku membeli pakaian bekas atau thrifting di media online seperti Carousell atau datang langsung ke toko. Di Bogor ada beberapa tempat kecil-kecil seperti di Hypermart, BTM, Plaza Jembatan…
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One post per month
It’s harder to write lately. It’s not that I don’t have the time or energy but unwilling. I think it’s about motivation, I don’t have it. Not that I think I am healthy that I don’t need to write or make a journal. I feel little bit comfortable at where I am. So I am writing now because there’s something disturb that comfort zone. I will have a new position. I need to re-arrange my priorities. I mean previously everything is priority because I thought my position is not that clear. It is clear that I am supporting many people and positions but I am kind of wonder about my…