Less apologetic

Yesterday I met someone who I knew in 2013-2014. She forgot me because at the time I was wearing hijab. She recognized me when we met last night. Then she asked, why I took it off. I didn’t give any answer, then she jokingly said, “Have you come to your sense?” It’s a common joke and doesn’t mean to offend. Of course, there is pretext that some feminists still see hijab as restriction to women’s expression and sexuality. I used to see it that way too.

As I think about it this morning, wearing hijab is my journey to be acceptable of my sexuality. That is why I don’t have a short and easy answer of why I took off my hijab. It’s all started when I reached my 40. I got my doctoral degree, I had been married for 9 years, never been pregnant, I don’t have children, healed much part of my sexual harrassment trauma, found new responsibilities in an organization, I feel enough financially, and yes, fulfilled. Slowly I became less apologetic of all decisions I made for myself.

I love my curves, I am taking care my skin, my health, my sexual desire. I was taking my own pace. I feel much better. I gave away some hijabs, but keeping some. I rarely use them but if I want it, I will wear it. Not in nostalisgic way but in more powerful way. Wearing and taking hijab off were my milestone. Happiness is not only when I can do what I want, but knowing what and why I want it.

I feel rich, only when someone remind me about my privileges and achievements. I was reading an article about the importance to feel wealthy than rich because the former signify the financial freedom. I don’t think I have reach that freedom but I less worry about it. I feel care less of what people think of me, including what my parents think of me. That’s huge! Because your parents can be the first layer of bully in your life. I mean that’s how I experience it.

Being 40 years into a life in this world has bring so much changing and reflections. I can’t come to this stage without interventions from differents individuals, organizations, and moments. It’s relieve me from so much burden of being everyone’s pleasure.