I am beautiful

When I was in middle school, I had one formal photo taken for school report. I like that photo and I think to myself, “I am beautiful.” I have straight long hair over my shoulder, I wore a pair of heart-shaped gold earrings that hang from a chain. I feel so beautiful. It was my first year in middle school or 7th grade. I feel good about myself. It didn’t last long.

It was a small middle school at the eastern part of Jakarta. I think it only had 4 classroom so there’s morning and afternoon class. Back then, I was part of top ten in my class. I was proud although something didn’t seem settle. I don’t what. I remember in the 8th grade, I explicitely asked my friend whether she was attracted to girls. She looked confused and offended. I mean, I was just curious because she was tomboy and well, I think I like her. I mean she was more beautiful than I am. I think I was a bit jealous. Mixed feelings.

When I entered high school, the world suddenly became larger and scarier. My high school is closer to the center of Jakarta and it had bigger and more classrooms. The students were amazing; they were prettier, richer, cleaner, and smells better. Everyone seems to have a big dream and there was a pressure to dream big. I dream to become a librarian. It’s quite big for me.

High school years deflate my confidence. Although I became very much aware that I like supermarket and small-scale mall very much. I remember in my middle shool I often went to Arundina, a local supermarket. It was the biggest I know. Then other supermarkets came and got bigger. I like them because I like to compare prices, I like to see the goods on the shelves, I like the smell of cookies and bakeries, and in a supermarket near my high school, they seell Agatha Christie novels. Oh, that’s huge!

There is no big bookstore around my house or my school. But since elementary school, I found out about mobile library bus. A spring in the desert. Maybe I don’t need and want to be beautiful, I want to be a spring or oasis for others. Not really, I don’t mind becoming a beautiful spring.

As I remember, around 2020, I started to feel beautiful again. In 2019, I began to taking care my skin more about it become more sensitive than previous. I almost never use sunscreen, rarely use powder, rarely use body lotion, only on special occasion use lipstick, rarely had facial. By the time I hit 40 year-old, my skin reacted. It took around 2 years to repair my skin barrier with various products.

I am beautiful, it’s one of my becoming process. I feel and look beautiful. I love the feeling.