Bisexuality – a secret tail

I’ve been undermining bisexuality. I don’t realize that by doing it I undermine my reality and sexuality. I always thought heterosexuality or homosexuality. I can grasped slowly about transgender but still thinking bisexuality was something unreal, gray areas, confusion phase of coming out as homosexuality, and undecided.

There were some feminists who still consider that it’s not a priority to the organizing work to show your sexuality especially sexual orientation. Particularly if you are living in a conservative and fundamentalist community. But in my experience, when one start to coming in and out as bisexual or homosexual, the world look kind of different. The way you experience your self: body, face, work, family, relationship, etc, will be different. Because the way you see yourself is different. It’s like the first time I tried my reading glass at 41 year-old. I was shocked because I didn’t know I had presbyopia. The words (and world) look clearer when you wear reading glass.

I then learn that the lenses in human eyes stiffen with age and thicken, so it is harder to focus on something that is up close. Imagine that you can see clearly something that is very close to your eyes. Imagine if you can’t feel clearly and accept your sexuality. It’s something that inside you but you ignore it, deny it, and try to forget about it.

We carry our sexuality at heart, mind, and body. Some can hide their sexual orientations when they are in dangerous situation. Some cannot. It shouldn’t be hidden because it’s not everyone business and it’s a human rights to be who you are.

Sexuality doesn’t define a person entirely. But it’s one layer of identity. It makes you a whole person.

I remember wishing there is a checklist to define my sexuality spectrum. Because I don’t think my doubt and denial are enough as confirmation. I was obsessed with other’s confirmation, one way or another. It feels like I am growing a tail in secret. Human has a tail bone but it’s not developing into real tail like an animal. But I have one. Thus the panic, denial, and fear.